Buckingham Palace:
The Queen walked her Royal corgis, sniffed the Royal roses, and announced her betrothal to the 20-year-old heir to the throne of Ulan-Bator, now that the Queen has agreed to adopt the national religion of that shithole, which seems to be a combination of devil worship and a money-making racket, much the same as the C. of E., except for the devil worship. The Queen says this will save the British the expense of replacing the Royal Vibrator, which is beginning to act weird from overuse.
Prince Philip is still dead.
Anaheim’s Disneyland Magic Kingdom:
His Royal Highness Prince Harry announced today that his Royal Touch Scrofula Busters,® Inc startup had expanded by hiring the pretenders to the French, Italian, Mexican and Russian thrones to establish branch treatment palaces in their respective countries, with more on the way.
“We have Burke’s Peerage and the Almanach de Gotha working out whether we can diversify by hiring Welfare Queens (with their Welfare Cadillacs), national winners of the Miss Universe pageants, that creepy Burger King, Queen Cover bands, the College of Cardinals (Didja know they are called ‘Princes of the Church?’), Mississippi Queen Tina Turner, the mayor of King of Prussia (PA), and frozen custard franchise Dairy Queen owners as part of our anti-scrofula crusade. Pretty soon even the shitiest shithole country will have one of our wizards touching for scrofula. We’ll have more market penetration than Coke or Trojans.”
Everyone thought that last gag was “a good one.”
Responding to criticism that Royal Touch®’s rapid expansion was cheapening the brand, His Royal Highness pointed out that at even the most remote Royal Touch® affiliate, scrofula “clients” (“we never refer to those struggling with scrofula as ‘victims'”) seeking succor in their battles against the scourge will be given the same treatment they get from me in my fortress in the east wing of Disneyland’s Magic Kingdom palace. The scrofula sufferer will be greeted by a member of our extended Royal family dressed in a full suit of armor. Seated on a magnificent “blooded” mechanical horse (“we feel that real horses should not be subjected to the cruelty of saddle, bridle, and spurs, and besides they shit all over the place”), the Royal “Toucher” will extend a twenty foot long lance festooned (that means decorated) with the flag of whatever bogus Royal family the “Toucher” belongs to, touch the scalp of the hapless scrofula sufferer, and recite the magic words, “Begone, pest, by order of St. George and the Dragon.”
The recovering client is then given a beanie whose propeller blades are printed with the letters “RT,” which the prince helpfully pointed out are the first letters of “Royal Touch®.” Responding to criticism that forcing customers to wear a cheesy little hat to advertise his company was a kind of slavery, the Prince said it exit polled nicely, and that Royal Touch® customers overwhelmingly thought the free beanie was a real good deal and it got them great discounts at King Kullen supermarkets and Royal Treatment car washes.
Told that Dr. Anthony Fauci had remarked that he had never heard of scrofula in medical school and didn’t “know what the fuck” kinda scam the Prince was up to, the Prince replied, “Eat shit and die, motherfucker.”
The consensus was that the Prince won that round.
In an unrelated development the Prince announced that Princess Meghan had been arrested for treason, convicted by a vote of the Kansas City Royals, and beheaded, along with her traitor brat. The Prince introduced his new Princess, Love U Long Time, whom he met at a Vegas “rub and tug” massage salon and wedded in the same chapel where the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll® had married one of his wives.
The Prince wrapped up his news conference by wiggling his ears, crossing his eyes, and letting loose some lip farts, the reporters agreeing that the Prince was lotsa laughs, a real good sport, and not the complete imbecile everyone thought.
Back in England Princes William, Charles, Freddy, and Cuthbert tried to copy Harry’s amazing performance, but their lip farts were judged “not exactly top chop, old man,” although Prince Charles received an honorable mention for ALMOST getting his head up his ass.
The Queen announced that she was going to begin touching for scrofula as soon as the Propeller Beanie Purveyor to Her Majesty the Queen® could get an ample supply to the Tower of London where her Majesty Queen of England, Ireland, Empress of India and Siam® planned to “Do Da Touch.”
The Queen explained that sitting on a horse was not in the cards due to her bladder incontinence problem, but that a Royal lackey would offer pony rides to any of the commoners who came for the cure. Asked if she knew what scrofula was, the Queen of etc. etc. giggled “I can’t even spell it.”
Her audience gave her a round of applause, agreeing that “the old bag can still tell a good joke” but that “Christ, she smells worse than ever. Can’t the Knights of the Bath® do something about that Royal Stench®?”