A Melvin by Any Other Name
But Elon, you’ll still be the world’s richest man. You’ll still have the best cars and best car company anywhere. You’ll still be shooting space ships off to God knows where. Where exactly?
I dunno. I’m so confused. And depressed.
People will still think you’re wonderful.
Not when they find out my real name is Melvin, Chosie, what’m I gonna do? Everybody’s laughing at me.
Well it is a funny name. Melvin Musk. It makes ya smile just saying it. What do you want me to do about it?
They’re already calling my cars Melvins instead of Teslas. That spaceship of mine they’re calling the MelvinShip instead of the Starship. Do something, Chosie. You know how to fix everything.
What ya have to do is make Melvin a name people love. So they name their kids Melvin.
How we gonna do that, Chosie?
Why doncha buy the film studio that makes the James Bond films?
Yeah? Then what?
Change his name. The name is Bond. Melvin Bond.
Sounds so stupid.
That’s because ya ain’t used to it. Tarzan of the Apes. How does Melvin of the Apes sound?
Still ridiculous.
As Pope I could probably change a holy name for ya. I don’t think I could swing Melvin of Nazareth but how about one of the Apostles.
Not Judas!
No, but how about Melvin the Zealot.
I dunno, isn’t a Zealot kind of a crazy guy.
I got it. Melvin the Baptist. A sexy broad takes off all her clothes and cuts yer head off.
She’s a real piece of ass?
Yup. A rack that just don’t quit.
Don’t stop there. Yer on a roll.
How about a state? We could pay off the Chamber of Commerce in Washington to rename it District of Melvin.
I like it.
And how about one of the islands in Hawaii. Molokai could be Melvin. You’d get credit for curing lepers.
I don’t actually have to touch them, do I? Or see them.
Of course not. Santa’s reindeer? On Dasher on Dancer on Prancer on Melvin.
Yes!
And we could go big with Snow White and her Seven Melvins.
Not bad. Melvin already sounds like he’s a fun guy.
Ya think the Moslems would for a little baksheesh think about renaming the Prophet, Melvin. Then every Muslim boy would be named Melvin.
Got any more?
Melvin Mouse. And that corpse, what’s his name Lenin, the Russians keep in the Kremlin? Nicolai Melvin.
No sure I wanna be tied up with anything Russian.
We could make the next election a win for you no matter how it turns out. Melvin Trump and Melvin Biden. Those frauds would do anything for money.
I’d like Melvin to be even bigger in Hollywood.
Why shouldn’t the Academy Awards be the Melvins? And next year a lifetime achievement award to Melvin Hanks and Melvin Eastwood.
I think you can stop now, Chosie. Yer beating a dead . . . you know what.