The Most Unkindest Cut will be out in December 2024

The Most Unkindest Cut

Or

Chosie and Da Peenie Code

A Novel by Richard Gid (Chosie) Powers

Is it so strange to wanna know what happened to the tip of your pecker when it was rudely snipped off during your circumcision WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A BY-YOUR-LEAVE?

I don’t think so, and neither does the hero of The Most Unkindest Cut, “Chosie,” the Chosen One. And I don’t think you know, but Chosie knows, that the circumcised pecker feels only a minute fraction of the sexual pleasure of the intact swinging dick. Chosie has a pretty good idea that if he can locate his lost foreskin, his pecker can be repaired using CRISPR gene splicing, but when he makes inquiries of the two Nobel Prize winning CRISPR gals, he stirs up the kinda thing no one in his right mind wants stirred up except maybe an author of a parody thriller. The CRISPR gals send their Gal Friday to run a test on Chosie to see if he is the Chosen One. He passes and she and he are bunkies. Two medieval secret societies founded to guard the (lost) Divine Foreskin of Our Lord and Savior descend on Chosie – the Fraternity (FOHFOOL) and the Brotherhood (BHBH). The Pope dispatches his secret assassination squad, The Little Sisters of No Mercy. All of them think that Chosie, now teamed up with his BFF Gal Friday, the Graf Spee Thurm und Taxis, and Romy Hohenzollern, Queen of Germany and the Holy Roman Empress, will, as they search for Chosie’s own personal foreskin, lead them to the Praepucium Sanctum, the foreskin of the Nazarene.

That’s for starters. Armed with Daisy Red Ryder BB guns, Chosie, Gal Friday, allied with BHBH and under attack from FOHFOOL do locate Chosie’s foreskin at the top of the Spanish Steps in Rome. They do defeat bogus Pope Freddy in a one-on-one Red Ryder BB gun shootout. They do persuade the Olympic Committee to make a BB Gun Battle Royal the opening event at the Olympics. They do win the presidency of the United States after exciting debates and gunfights at Disneyland, Dollywood, and Disneyworld.

But Chosie and Gal Friday, who is now Chosie’s Vice President (in charge of Presidential Vice) and Popessa (in charge of Papal Vice), do something far more important than just taking over the Catholic Church and the American Government, turning both into profitable money-making rackets.  They thwart an evil conspiracy by The Three Billionaires, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, and Egon Musk, to fix the Soap Box Derby Championships so that their kids, driving billion-dollar supersonic rocket cars, can win and break the hearts of poor little tykes with their homemade racers crafted out of junk yard scraps.

Not just irresistible chick bait, but an astute financial crook, President/Pope Chosie, has also bought a hundred square miles of real estate around Lebanon Kansas, and he is moving the Capital to the geographical center of the country, which just happens to be Lebanon! and he is selling the land back to himself (as President) at a fantastic profit.

Chosie is rich, richer than shit. And his new BFF, Joey Chestnut, has persuaded Chosie, now also head of the Olympics Committee, to make Hotdog Eating Contests part of every Olympic event, so that it won’t take just a perfect ten to win the gymnastics gold; the winner will also have to stuff her guts with more franks and buns than any of the other cute little midgets.

Enough stuff for a sequel. I didn’t mention that William Shatner, French President Macarony, and the legendary Ole Mixer, bartender at Rome’s Hassler Hotel, also show up. They do. It’s 115,000 (mostly) properly spelled (or spelt, take yer pick) words, many of them funny.