The Gibitini™!
A Revolution in Drinking
The Gibitini™
Trademark Registered with the US Patent Office
The Legend of the Gibitini™
If you do a search to find out how many unsuccessful attempts Thomas Edison aka The Wizard of Menlo Park made before he finally discovered how to make a light bulb, you won’t know much more than when you started. One “authority” says 2000 failed experiments. Another says 1000. Another, which sounds like maybe the guesser know what he was talking about, says 2,774, unless the liar just UN-rounded off the 2000 guess to make it sound like he actually counted them up. But it is safe to say that Edison tried a lot of different things for the light bulb before he found one that worked. But then there are those who say he didn’t invent the light bulb but stole the idea from some Brits.
Another thing is sure. Albert Einstein was a very smart guy but he did NOT invent the light bulb. So if you asked how many Albert Einsteins did it take to invent the light bulb you should get a kick in the ass for being so goddamn stupid that you got Einstein and Edison mixed up, although both names start with E which is close enough, I guess. Einstein was the one that invented the A-Bomb after trying unsuccessfully to blow up the world 2773 times, but as he liked to say, he didn’t fail 2773 times, but he succeeded 2773 times finding out 2773 things that didn’t blow up the world. Actually that may have been Yogi Berra who said you can’t think and invent the A-Bomb at the same time, and if there are two forks next to your plate give one to a poor person who ain’t got no fork and use the other one to eat your soup.
The other great American inventor before me was Benjamin Franklin, who invented electricity. He had this kite, which like most kites wouldn’t fly. He kept trying and trying to get the thing off the ground, but no dice. Finally after trying 2773 ties to make the damn thing fly, it finally flew, but it was in the middle of a lightning storm. Now you would think that Franklin would have known enough not to fly a kite in the middle of a rain and lightning storm, but he was the first postman of the United States and it was his motto that neither rain nor snow nor gloom of night shall keep the postman from flying his kite, so he did fly the kite and damn near electrocuted himself when the kite was struck by lightning, but anyway once he discovered electricity it stayed discovered and it’s what makes most of the gadgets we got today run until the batteries wear out. But then you just pop in a new one and you’re good to go.
And that just about brings me to how I discovered or invented or anyways came up with the Gibitini™. It was for a long time an inflexible law with me or maybe a kinda rule or maybe just a guideline to stop drinking Martinis after two or maybe in a pinch, three. What I would do then is to switch to Gibsons, and my law, rule or guideline was to stop after two or maybe three of them. If you don’t know the difference between a Martini and a Gibson, they are fairly similar but the big difference is that after you mix your five or six, maybe seven ounces of gin or maybe vodka (I don’t agree with the vodka idea, by the way) and then put in about two maybe three capfuls of dry vermouth, for a Martini you drop in an olive or a shaving of lemon peel, and for a Gibson you drop in a little cocktail onion. And there you have the difference between a Martini and a Gibson. The olive (maybe lemon peel) OR the onion is the tipoff which is which. It might help if you notice that Gibson has an O in it for onion and Martini don’t, although come to think of it both olive and onion start with an O the last time I looked, so that blows that theory right to hell.
Okay, let me get back on track. Now I got a question for you. Let’s say you have a couple of pills you take before you got to bed, and pills you take in the morning when you decide to get up, if you do decide to get up. And a few of these nighttime pills are different from the getting up in the morning pills. Have you ever forgotten which pills are which, and did you already take the morning pills at night or did you forget the nighttime pill, well you get the idea, it can be mighty confusing. Especially after yer nightly dose of two, three or maybe four Martinis and the same number of Gibsons. So what can you do to keep from finally just grabbing a handful of both kinds of pills and wolfing them down just to be on the safe side, although anyone can tell you that taking handfuls of pills you don’t remember what they are is not a safe strategy for staying healthy or for that matter alive?
Now just imagine the problem if you’ve had two or maybe three or four Martinis and you’ve decided to quit drinking them and switch to a Gibson and so you move onto dropping in onions. And you have maybe two Gibson and then a terrible thought comes to you. Did you switch to the Gibsons too early, after maybe just one or two Martinis. So you decide to follow up the two Gibsons with a sort of make-up Martini and so in goes an olive. You finish that and now you are really in a perilous situation because you can’t remember how many Gibsons you had. If you were the kind of careful drinker you should be, you might line up say five olives and five onions on the table in front of you, and then, if you can remember how many olives or onions you started with you could just look down and say, well I started with five olives and there’re three left so by simple subtraction and checking by casting out nines I must have had two Martinis and you still got all five onions so I haven’t stated pounding down the Gibsons yet. But hey, wait a minute. There’re only four onions left so while I wasn’t paying attention I must have had a Gibson. So you can see what kinda a mess you can get in even with this very prudent policy of switching to Gibsons after you’ve had enough Martinis, like I said, two or maybe three in a pinch.
So now we come to my (great) invention. It’s this constant switching from Martinis to Gibsons and then back and maybe forth that gets you into all this trouble. So how about deciding well, if I add up my Martinis, and my Gibsons I plan to drink and I think that total of six or maybe seven is my limit but I should also have an eighth in reserve in case I spill one of them as sometimes happens, and then of course how the hell would I know which one I spilled if I stepped on the olive or the onion while it was rolling around on the floor before I noticed that something had gone wrong with that particular Martini or Gibson.
So here comes the great discovery.
I would line up eight olives (or lemon peels) and right immediately next to them eight onions. You could even pin them together with toothpicks. Then you just start drinking, and you might say before you even started you have already switched back and forth from the Martini to the Gibson without really switching. You are drinking Martinis and Gibsons at one and the same time. How about that?
And so we can put the two words together, Martini and Gibson, and you have a Gibitini™, with the G pronounced with a hard G like Gesundheit or Gnu of Gnarly. And it was not only GREAT idea but it was an ORIGINAL idea, which is why the US Patent Office let me trademark it and you will notice that I invented the Gibitini™ on my first try, not like those losers Edison and Benjamin Franklin and Albert Einstein who to give him credit did blow up two (2) cities with the A-Bomb he invented after his 2773 bombs that were duds, but the last two went off just great although if you asked the people in the cities he blew up they might not give him credit even for the ones that went off, but hey, you can’t please everybody, as Lincoln sortta said. But still his overall batting average was just as bad as Franklin and Edison, whereas for me, Chosie, I am still batting 1.000 on the Gibitini™ which ain’t bad if I do say so myself and so I think I deserve a pat on the back, which I just gave me. On the other hand, if you look at my other invention, the ““The All-Condition-All-Kinds-of-Snow-and-Ice SuperPower(s)Ski,” I am still batting 0.000 which does show room for improvement, if you wanna be positive, and I am, positive, and can always have a Gibitini™ (or seven) which should cheer me up.
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