July 15, 2026 – 9:12 AM
A little history lesson, buckaroos. In July of 1344 King Edward III of England officially proclaimed the beginning of what he called “The Hundred Years War” as he invaded France, capturing vast quantities of frogs legs and aspirin suppositories.
He promised his knights, led by his son, the Black Prince, that this would not be one of them freakin’ “forever” wars jerks like the Americans would always be starting in the future sometime. “We’re gonna wrap this one up by 1444 or you can call me “Shytte Hede” (Middle English for Shit Head) and you can call the Black Prince (my favorite kid) “Shytte Hede, Jr.”
“You may wonder why I named him the Black Prince< King Ed explained. “Very simple. You see, I spawned a lotta princes, some outta the Queen, some outta my girlfriends, and luckily none outta the sheep, goats, and pigs who I had to make do with when the Queen and them babes were laid up having princes.
“Anyway, the first Prince was kinda pink so we called him the Pink Prince. The next was pink, too, but to tell them apart we painted his ass white and called him the White Prince. Then along came the one whose ass we painted blue, that was the Blue Prince. The there was the Red Prince, the Green Prince, the Brown Prince and so on until we ran out of colors and so we finally had the one with a black ass. That was the Black Prince. If there are any more princes they will have take a number like at the fish and chips stand. Does that answer your question, you nosey bastards?”
Okay, this is your pal Chosie talking at you, pardners, so back to the present (2026). The President, aka “That Asshole,” said that the USA 🇺🇸 is starting to hear criticism that this fight with Iran 🇮🇷 or Iraq 🇮🇶 or Ireland 🇮🇪 or whatever is one of them “forever wars” that loser presidents like, well you know, were always getting into.
So in one of his really smart moves, maybe his smartest, the President (POTUS) aka you know, has decided to be just like Edward III and the Black Prince and so he has promised that THIS war will NOT be a forever war but will be over in a Hundred Years (by 2126) or you can call him “Shit Head” (the way we say Shytte Hede these days if we wanna sound hip).
He has also decided to rename his sons and daughters and bastards and wives Princes and Princesses starting, with Don Jr. as the Pink Prince, Eric the White Prince, Ivanka the Blue Princess, and, guess what, he had a few SECRET kids to fill out the other colors and Jared gets to be the Black Prince.
Another really cool thing the president done, who is always doing really cool things right and left, is to copy a really great thing Edward III and the Black Prince did, which was to set up a secret club, with a secret handshake, secret password and a secret funny dance so they could know who was in the club and who wasn’t. And this was called the Order of the Garter and they all had to take an oath that went like this: “I (say yer name) promise, that, if the king asks me, to kiss his ass on the hottest day of summer in Macy’s window and say it smells like a rose” (which was why the first Hundred Years War was also known as the War of the Roses.”) When you say the oath you are NOT supposed to say, “say yer name.” You are supposed to say yer name. Oh, never mind.
As soon as the President announced HIS Order of the Garter which he called the Order of the Jock Strap because nobody but commies and trans “people” wear garters (same oath except they had to kiss his ass at the nineteenth hole of whatever of golf course he was playing at, AND wash his balls) all MAGA was howling to sign up and to fight in the Hundred Years War since wasn’t going to last forever so they could get back to New Jersey in time to run their regular grifts and scams and rackets
Everything was all set to get the Hundred Years War going and make sure Iran or Iraq or Ireland surrendered (unconditionally) by 2126 when the whole great and smart plan all fell apart.
The POTUS was seated on a caddy cart, leading them Princes and Princesses of all colors and the President’s entire Order of the Jock, and they were all lined up on roller blades, electric scooters, rocking horses and camels (really cows with strapped on humps, one or two) ready for the commander aka “That Asshole” to yell, “Yoicks” (which was King Edward III’s berserker battle cry), when the crook who was the Secretary of Treasury raced up, yelling, “it’s No Go. The government is broke. We can’t pay yer goons.”
“Whaddya mean,” the President yelled, “I left plenty of money in the Treasury when I looted it and I just took a little bit.”
“It’s not just the Treasury that’s zeroed out,” the Treasury gangster told him. “It’s Social Security AND yer swag and bribery account.
“When you were robbing the Treasury, you didn’t get an email that a guy’s brother had sent you $45 by Zelle for flowers and would you please return it?”
“Yeah and when I checked the Treasury account there was the $45 just waiting for me to grab it. Haw, haw. What a jerk! He actually thought I’d give it back. I took it and even emailed him to tsay he was a loser and he could kiss that $45 goodbye.”
“You dope! By taking that $45 and emailing that scammer ,who probably lives in some jungle in Africa, you opened ALL the government’s accounts to him and he cleaned us out. The US government ain’t got a dime. How you gonna pay your Princes and Princesses and them thugs in Order of the Jock?”
“Shush. Don’t let them hear you or they might turn on us. They do like money.”
“I think they did.”
“Uh, oh. Come on boys. When we take over Iran you’ll all get Persian rugs you can sell on Canal Street. Don’t point them guns at me. Didn’t they teach you in Boy Scouts not to aim a gun at anyone you aren’t gonna shoot? Oh.
“Look. Here’s a good deal for yas. So what if I ain’t got any money. I’ll let you look for lost golf balls at my clubs. You can keep half of what you find. Okay, you can keep them all. You musta read that Deal book some loser wrote for me. I didn’t know you could read. Who taught you? One of my wives? Damn her.
“Ouch. Don’t you believe in warning shots?”